


Six Months

by SlayYourDemonsTogether



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Canon Universe, Devotion, Disappointment, Engagement, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Future Fic, Healing, Home, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Post Season 3, Post-Canon, Slow Burn, Time - Freeform, Worry, multi-chapter, william shakespeare - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-07-15 02:44:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7203083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlayYourDemonsTogether/pseuds/SlayYourDemonsTogether
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Season 3</p><p>This fic sets right after season 3 of the 100. I love the show so damn much. Maybe too much.<br/>I wrote this fic to survive the hiatus. And just to let you know - I´m still writing.<br/>There is a plan. I have so many ideas but I´m short of time. </p><p>I´m a William Shakespeare fan. He is the master of love and grand emotions for me.<br/>That´s why every chapter starts with a suitable poem or quote.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Awakening

**Author's Note:**

> "The devil can cite scripture for his purpose.  
> An evil soul producing holy witness  
> is like a villain with a smiling cheek,  
> a goodly apple rotten at the heart:  
> Oh what a goodly outside falsehood hath!"
> 
> (William Shakespeare - The Merchant of Venice")

[...]  
Octavia stormed out of the throne room without facing someone or looking back. Bellamy was transfixed to the spot, totally shocked. Even when she was gone, he looked straight in the direction she disappeared. He could neither move nor breathe.  
Bellamy didn´t know what to do. Should he follow her? Right now, he was probably the last person she wanted to see. But she was his sister and he couldn´t leave her alone. Not just yet.  
His mother´s words crossed his thoughts: "Your sister, your responsibility". 

Bellamy never wanted this for O. He knew from personal experience, how pain and grief can bring out the worst part of someone; losing yourself in the darkness and straying from the right path. Since he had chosen the wrong side, he went through the hell. People died because of him. It changed him. Now he was haunted by his own demons and had to deal with them.  
He never wanted this kind of doom for Octavia. Everything went wrong. He couldn`t protect her. He failed.  
Pike made wrong decisions and did cruel things. But you cannot kill someone just because you feel like it. Bellamy also needed to learn that first. That´s why he knew, killing Pike will not ease Octavia´s pain. There was blood on her hands and she would probably break.  
He had to follow her. 

The whole time Clarke stood next to Bellamy, watching him in silence. She tried to figure out what he was thinking about. Clarke knew exactly what Octavia meant to him. She felt that he was suffering.  
Just when Bellamy wanted to follow his sister, Clarke grabbed his hand. "Bellamy". Her voice was weak.  
He stopped, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Only when she squeezed his hand stronger he turned to her.  
He looked straight into her wide and blue eyes, wide and blue like the ocean. There was a sadness in her glance, which left a bad feeling in his stomach. Their hands were still intertwined. His skin burned where she touched him. For a moment he was lost in her eyes, in his feelings, in her. She will kill him someday. 

"Clarke, I have to follow her.", he whispered. 

"Let her go, Bellamy. She needs a moment for herself. Give her time." 

He was close to tears but he didn´t want her to see him like that, weak and vulnerable. She had already seen him crying before, but right now he wanted to be strong. So he tried to hide it. Bellamy let off Clarke´s hand and turned his head, brushing a tear with his knuckles away.  
He didn´t know what hurt him more - his throat with deep blue strangulation marks or the pain, that there was apparently no peace for them. Maybe they didn´t deserve better.

When Bellamy turned his head, Clarke´s eyes set on his strangulation marks, two huge hand prints on both sides of his muscular neck. She heaved a sigh. Why didn´t she notice them yet?  
She touched the marks lightly with her finger tips. "Oh, Bellamy.", she sighed. Her heart was sinking.  
Immediately he reached out for Clarke´s hand, wide-eyed. "No, Clarke. I´m fine. All´s well." His voice broke. It was difficult for him to speak or swallow. His throat felt constricted. It hurt. Right now he didn´t want her pity.  
Clarke nodded easy. She placed both of her hands on her belly, eyes to the ground, staring at her feet.  
Bellamy felt sick. He thought about everything she had been through the last few hours, the last time - the ascension ceremony, the flame, the COL.  
He had no idea what happened there. His eyes focused the punctures on her chest. Maybe she felt ill. Whatever happened to him, he couldn´t stop caring about her.  
When she glanced up again their eyes met. It felt like she was looking straight into his soul. His heart was racing.

Bellamy remembered Clarke´s words when she returned from the COL. She wasn´t happy. He noticed that she didn´t act like someone who just saved the world.  
"Because we didn´t. Not Yet.", she´d answered.

He didn´t find the time yet to ask her, what she was talking about. We didn´t? He had no idea but he just needed to look at her face, the familiar face he could read like an open book, to know that something was wrong. Her face told him more than 1.000 words. Who would have thought that when they first met? He didn´t.  
But after all they´d been through, they became a team without needing words to understand each other.

Tears rolled down her cheeks. Her beautiful face. He hated when her face was lined through worries and grief. "She deserves better.", he thought. She should be happy. But whyever peace wasn´t granted to them.  
Bellamy was unable to stop himself. He cupped one of her cheeks in the palm of his hand and wiped off some tears. Clarke leaned into the touch, eyes closed. She seemed quiet an peaceful.  
For one moment, the time and the world around them stood still, while they were surrounded by wounded and death bodies; friends in each others arms, desperate or happy to be still alive.  
Sobbing, crying, sighs of relief - it was anything but quiet. But they stood in front of the throne in a moment of peace, like in a bubble. Bellamy wished they could stay in that bubble forever.

"You´ll tell me?", he asked.

Clarke opened her eyes. She blinked at him and lowered her head with a sigh.  
Bellamy could feel her skin still in his hand. He wondered if it will last forever, that she would leave marks on his skin, wherever she touched him.  
Clarke breathed deeply. She wasn´t able to look at him. He suffered enough for one day and she wouldn´t cause him anymore sorrow. But there was no help for it.

"The power plants all over the world are going to melt down and the earth will be contaminated by radiation once again. We have only six months till 96 % of the ground would be uninhabitable.", she told him with a steady voice.

Bellamy stepped back. He was confused. "What does it mean? ....... Clarke, look at me, please."  
She raised her head slowly. "We will die. If we don´t find a way to stop it, we are all going to die in six months."

It hit him like a slap in the face. He shook his head in disbelief, running his fingers through his hair. Then he lowered his head on his chest, eyes closed, the hands still buried in his hair and lost in thought.  
Clarke felt bad. Bellamy was her anchor. He backed and supported her all the time even when she didn´t deserve it. So much happened in the last months and they came through it together. Seeing him struggle with the bad news, it really broke her heart.  
She wrapped her arms around his torso and nestled into his chest. "I´m so sorry, Bellamy.", she sobbed. 

Immediately he pushed her away, looking straight into her eyes. "Stop to apologize for something you can´t help it, Clarke! Not everything is your fault!!!" , he answered harshly. 

Suddenly everyone in the room was silent. All eyes were focused on them with surprise. Bellamy knew immediately that he was too harsh. His head was spinning. That just couldn´t be true. Life on earth sucks. The ground was just not survivable.  
Bellamy turned his head, running his hand over his face. He couldn´t carry on much longer. He needed fresh air and walked to the balcony, leaving Clarke behind.  
She looked after him, hopelessly.

The muttering became louder. Everyone in the throne room could sense that something was wrong. Abby moved apart from Kane and walked over to her daughter. She touched Clarke lightly on her shoulder. "Clarke, darling, What´s wrong? You both should only be happy, that we did it. The two of you made it. You saved us." She tried to cheer her. But Clarke glanced sadly at her mother. "Mom, ALIE is gone, but we have to face a much bigger challenge."

Clarke turned to the others with her head held high. "They need to know it. Better sooner than later.", Clarke thought. She was sick of protecting everyone. Since they landed on the ground they had to fight for their lives and she always tried to keep everyone alive. But this threat was much too big for Bellamy and her to fix it. This time everyone had to play a part.  
Clarke took a step forward and announced the bad news with a steady voice, right down to the last detail. There was nothing to whitewash.  
After she finished she could see their hopeless faces. Yeah, hope didn´t look like that. But at this moment she couldn´t raise their hopes. She didn´t even know how.

"Excuse me, please! I have to get out of that damn tower!"  
Without saying anything further she walked out of the throne room like Octavia did a few minutes before and climbed down the tower.

Bellamy had listened every word she´d said. He wondered how she always could be that strong. She never was the weak and arrogant, little blond girl he imagined when they landed on the ground. All along she was more, more than she probably knew herself. She was a fighter and sometimes she was also a bad-ass. But she was his bad-ass. He couldn´t suppress a smile.  
Bellamy didn´t know when it started that Clarke became to him just as important as his sister. But that was irrelevant now. He would do anything for her to protect her. That was the way things were now. He was in love with her.  
Bellamy knew that she didn´t feel the same way for him. But he was important for her. She had reached for his hand. He must be important for her. But only as a friend. That was enough for him. She was back and that was the only thing that counted. She will kill him someday. But as it seems he will die in 6 months anyway.  
Bellamy took a deep breath before he set off to follow Clarke.

 

They were glad that there was a hidden stairway they´d missed before. So they could go downstairs without any further efforts.  
Halfway through Bellamy had caught up Clarke. She leaned against the cold stone wall, completely exhausted. Her body had to pay tribute to all the exertions she had been through. She broke down on the stairs. Bellamy was in front of her in seconds, reached under her before she hit the ground and lifted her into his arms.

"Clarke, wrap your arms around my neck and don´t you dare to contradict me!"

She was too weak to argue. Carefully, Clarke wrapped her arms around him, trying not to hurt him. His throat had already suffered enough.  
Her head leaned on his chest. Clarke was surprised how good she felt in his strong arms. She never was that close to him before. They hugged earlier but this time it felt different. She could hear his heart beating. It beat strong and fast. By the steady sound of his heart she calmed down, finally feeling save and home after a long time.  
She loved him. He was her best friend. 

"Bellamy, I´m so tired!", she whispered.  
"Close your eyes and let go. Try to rest. I´m right here to keep an eye on you."  
Bellamy felt a small nod on his chest. If there was one thing he knew then that he will always take care of her and that he will never let her go again.

The world around her became blurred. Eventually they had only 6 months left but right now she wasn´t afraid. She wouldn´t be alone. He would be on her side and that was enough. There was no better way to die than dying side by side with the person you love.  
He was her anchor. His freckled face was the last she glanced before the darkness rose up above her head and she finally let go.

 

Out of breath, Bellamy arrived at the bottom of the tower. He´d carried Clarke the whole time. She was small and light but the way was tight and longer than he´d expected. His throat ached.  
Carefully, he put her down on a bench besides the tower and stroked her head gently.  
Someone slapped him lightly on his shoulder. Abby. He hadn´t noticed her before. 

"Is she okay?"

"I guess so. She passed out on the way down.", Bellamy replied. 

"Okay, I look after her now. Thank you, Bellamy. It´s good to know that she has someone who cares about her." 

Bellamy nodded easy and stepped back. He could literally feel how his body lost all of the power.  
Out of the corner of his eye he saw a dark brown mane of hair - Octavia. Indra was borne by two Grounders, still alive and O. at her side.  
Bellamy was relieved that she was still there and didn´t run away. He realized, how much he was scared that he would never see her again.  
When their eyes met, Bellamy nodded to her and she nodded back. That was better than nothing. They would have the opportunity to talk later. Now they had to return to Arkadia, get some sleep and after that they had to try to save the world again. 


	2. Mirror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mirror, mirror on the wall,  
> who is the most devilish one of all?  
> The face, that I can see,  
> please tell me, that´s not me.
> 
> I cover my eyes, I shake.  
> How much more can I take?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It´s easy for people to joke about scars  
> if they´ve never been cut.
> 
> (William Shakespeare)

[...]

Two days later Clarke woke up in a small room which reminded her of the Ark. She had to be back in Arkadia. Clarke sighed.  
Arkadia wasn´t a place she remembered with pleasure. Clarke had spent here only a few day´s after she´d escaped Mount Weather. But after what happened in the mountain, after she´d killed so many people, also innocent people, to save her own, she couldn´t be there anymore. It wasn´t hard to leave the camp but it was hard to leave Bellamy. At that time she thought it would be the best. It wasn´t.  
After that she only came back to speak with Bellamy to fix things to prevent a war. Pike had been voted to become the new chancellor and one of his first official acts was killing an army of 300 grounders who were sent there to protect them.  
Clarke had underestimated the whole situation. If she had taken more time to explain everything to her people, they could have prevented it eventually. She swallowed hard. The conversation with Bellamy came into her mind. It was really bad. His words had hit her hard. But he was right and she deserved every single word.  
Damn, she hadn´t known how much he´d suffered. He needed her and she wasn´t there. At the end Bellamy handcuffed her and she tasered him. That was ugly.  
At the thought of those day Clarke felt currently sad. They never talked about it again.  
A cold shiver ran down her snipe. Arkadia was only associated with unpleasant memories. At this place Clarke felt uncomfortable. She didn´t want to be here. But she couldn´t leave again.

Clarke felt still weak but better. She looked around the room. It was a small apartment with twin beds, a wardrobe, a table and two chairs. She was alone. "By the way, where are they? Has she been here all alone the whole time and how long has she been here anyway?" Questions upon questions.  
Clarke looked down on herself, she felt muddy and wished for a hot shower. Slowly, she tried to get out of bed. Her naked feet touched the floor. It was cold. She was a bit wobbly on her legs. Clarke walked over to a small door on the other side of the room. There was a tiny bathroom behind it with actually a shower. "Maybe the camp wasn´t that bad.", she smirked. 

Clarke couldn´t remember when she felt so good the last time. Warm water ran down her maltreated body. She was covered with black and blue marks and scars. Too many to count. "What has she become?". She shook her head in disbelief.  
Clarke found a bar of soap and soaped herself. Her body ached. But all she could think about was the little hygiene product in her hand. "SOAP". It was insignificant, but at this moment it was a blessing.  
After what seemed like ages she got out of the shower and dried herself off.  
The air moisture was so high that the mirror had fogged. She rubbed the mirror clean with a towel. When she looked at herself she stopped immediately.  
The girl in the mirror - she couldn´t recognize her. "That´s not me", she whispered. Her lower lip trembled. "I don´t know who you are." Tears welled in her eyes. All she could see was a girl that killed or hurt so many people. Pictures, she´d tried so hard to forget, came into her mind - the explosion at the dropship, TonDC, Mount Weather, Wells, Finn, Lexa, so many friends... Her face was taut with anger. She clenched her fists, shaking with rage. "I don´t want to be you.", overpowered by her own anger she smashed her reflection.  
The fragments were dispersed all over the floor. Blood ran down her arm from the deep cut on her hand. Free of emotions, she looked the blood gushing from the wound. She felt nothing.

A familiar voice called for her from the outside of the room. "Clarke, you´re okay? I come in."  
Raven stormed into the bathroom, wide-eyed, looking at Clarke from the top to the bottom. Clarke stood there right in front of her friend, completely naked. But that didn´t matter. Meanwhile the blood ran down Clarke´s leg. There was already too much of it on the floor.  
"Damn it, Clarke! What have you done?". There was a bitter tone in her voice.  
She wrapped one towel around Clarke´s body and pressed another one on the cut. Then she put one arm around Clarke and guided her out of the bathroom to one of the chairs.  
Clarke endured it speechless. But when Raven told her that she is going to call Abby, Clarke kept her back, begging her to stay: "No, Raven, please! Not my mom. Couldn´t you help me instead?"  
Raven took a deep breath, shaking her head. "I wish I could, but the cut is very deep and it looks like it has to have stitches. You have already lost too much blood. I´m not a doctor. We need Abby."  
Clarke answered with a small nod, turning her eyes to the ground.

"Stay here and don´t move. I´ll be right back.", Raven instructed her before she left the room, dragging her left leg behind her.

Out of the corner of her eye Clarke noticed that Raven´s leg was getting worse. She felt immediately sad. But not only because of Raven´s leg, it was everything. Clarke was sick and tired and in that moment she didn´t need her mother. Abby would be upset and would probably make mountains out of molehills. From now on, her mother would be always on her side to keep an eye on her. But all Clarke wanted was to be left alone. There was only one person she needed. "Bellamy", she whispered. 

_________________________________________

 

Raven shared a room with Clarke. For the beginning, that seemed to be the best solution for everyone, except Bellamy. He never would´ve speak it out loud but Raven knew him too well. It was the way he compressed his lips and clenched his jaws, she knew he disagreed.  
She´d nudged him slightly with her elbow, whispering to him with a smirk, that he could come over whenever he wants, also at night. He´d just faced her frowning before he left. 

Raven and Clarke lived in Octavia´s and Lincoln´s old room because the apartment was big enough for two and free. Octavia left the camp with Indra immediately after they´d returned to Arkadia. She couldn´t be at the place where Lincoln died. Understandable.  
Bellamy had begged O. to stay, but had known that it was for nothing. He could have come with her but that was no real option. He wouldn´t left without Clarke. Bellamy needed her and maybe she needed him too.  
He also knew that Octavia wouldn´t be alone. Indra would be at her side and she was safely the best for O. So he had let Octavia go but not without her promising him that they will see each other again.  
Since then Bellamy was quiet and withdrawn the most time. He sat absently at the council table, only speaking when someone spoke to him.  
When there was no meeting he spent all the time on Clarke´s side. Everybody waited for Clarke to become conscious. But it seemed, he wished for that moment more than anyone else.

Raven felt uncomfortable with Clarke lying unconscious in the bed next to her and Bellamy sitting the whole night by her side, burying his face in his hands and never sleeping.  
She regretted that she allowed him to come over every night.  
In the second night she´d asked him if he would tell Clarke one day that he´s in love with her. "It´s not your business", was the only thing he´d mumbled without lifting his head. Typical Bellamy. He would rather die alone than making the first move. 

_________________________________________

 

Abby was sitting around the council table with Kane, Jaha, Bellamy, Monty and some engineers, chemists and delegates of the grounders. Just like the last two days. They tried to find a way to stop the nuclear disaster. In the first instance they were brainstorming. So far it wasn´t really successful.  
Jaha wasn´t welcome but he knew so much about ALIE that could be useful.  
There was no chancellor in the proper meaning of the word anymore. Jaha was no option. He had lost the trust of his people and was strange to everyone now.  
After all what happened neither Abby nor Kane wanted to be in the leading position, traumatized by the events of the past few days. But as a mere matter of form Kane and Abby had decided to take the lead together. Everybody knew that it doesn´t mean you´re in charge just because you´re in the lead.  
Clarke and Bellamy were their real leaders. When they were sent to the ground, they both had grown up overnight. But after all they were still kids. So it was generally agreed that they spread responsibility to allow Bellamy and Clarke some space for theirselves.  
Bellamy was glad about that because he could lean back and catch a breath even if it was just for a moment.

Normally Raven was sitting at the council table too. But with her leg she couldn´t sit for a long time. So she used to walk around for a while. This time she had made use of the physician-directed break to check on Clarke. Afterwards it was a good decision. Clarke was awake for only a few minutes and placed herself in danger again. "Clarke is always in trouble." Raven sighed and rolled her eyes before she entered the conference room.

When Raven came closer Monty suddenly stopped talking. Abby looked horrified. All eyes were turned towards Raven.  
"Raven, what happened? You are covered with blood.", Abby asked while she rushed up to her. Bellamy and Monty hot on her heels.

"I´m fine.", Raven responded. "It´s not my blood."  
"Wait, when it´s not yours, whose blood is it?", Monty asked confused.  
Raven didn´t know how to tell them. "Don´t freak out...it´s Clarke´s!"

She had barely finished the sentence, he was already up and away. It was clear that Bellamy wouldn´t lose time.  
Abby stared at Raven, arching her eyebrows in hope of getting more information.  
"Clarke smashed the mirror and she cut her hand. It bleeds briskly. You really must take a look at that."

_________________________________________

Bellamy didn´t know when he ran that fast the last time. He knew Arkadia inside out and therefore also the fastest way to Octavia´s old room. His heart was racing. He ran through the corridors without looking around. People leaped aside. It didn´t matter if he bumped into someone or knocked somebody over. Clarke was hurt and bleeding. He could apologize later. At this moment Clarke was more important than anyone else.  
Out of breath he bounced into the room. "Clarke?"

She was still sitting on the chair with nothing more than a towel around her naked body, pressing another one against the injury at her right hand to staunch the wound, eyes turned to the ground.  
The white towel was already soaked in blood and there was also too much blood on the floor. His heart was sinking. She was so pale.  
Clarke didn´t realize anything around her. All she could hear were the steady whoosh sounds of her blood rushing through her veins. Everything seemed to be far away. Only when Bellamy touched her shoulder, kneeling down in front of her, Clarke raised her head, blinking in disbelief. "Bellamy?"  
He tenderly stroked a wet strand of hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear while he looked straight into her blue eyes. Even now she was beautiful. He remembered the moment when he´d found her in the cave where she was held captive by Roan. Luckily, this time Roan was far way.  
Clarke smiled when she realized that he was real. 

Bellamy looked at the wound. "Ah, Clarke. What have you done? It´s a deep cut." He was worried and covered the wound again. "You´re mom is on the way. You will recover", he encouraged her with a small smile.

"Will I?", she replied sadly.

Before he could say anything the door flew open and Abby and Jackson rushed up to Clarke. He let go of Clarke´s hand and made way for them to patch her up.

"Clarke, darling. Isn´t it possible to leave you alone for just a moment?", Abby heaved a sigh.

But Clarke didn´t answer. She just glanced at Bellamy while Abby and Jackson treated the cut and stitched up the wound. He only had eyes for her. There it was again - the beautiful face, which was more familiar to him than his own.  
They didn´t need words. He supported her just through eye contact. Bellamy knew that there were more than just the visible wounds. There were also the invisible cuts on her soul. But not invisible for him. He could see them because they were similar to his own. 

It was only when Abby delivered Clarke some medication that she looked away. She didn´t was in pain but she wouldn´t argue with her mother about it. She felt nothing and Abby would just say that it was not normal and there were indications for a depression or PTSD.  
"Yeah, she is depressed but who´s surprised?"  
In the meantime Monty, Jasper, Harper and Raven joined them. But Abby wanted to talk with her daughter in private. So she sent all of them away. She asked also Bellamy to leave. But Clarke interrupted her mother immediately. "He stays!", she said, looking sharply. 

Both Clarke´s tone and her mien left no doubt that each argument would be for nothing. Abby had already seen in Polis that there was scarcely anything that could sunder the two of them. They were connected by an invisible and strong bond.  
Abby nodded consenting. "Okay ..... So, Clarke, tell me how did that happen!?"

"It was an accident. I was still a bit doddery. I slid away and crashed into the mirror. Clumsy me!" She reached an arm behind her head, rubbing at her neck and grinning innocently. 

Any fool could see that she was lying. Abby raised an eyebrow in disbelief. It was a slim excuse. Clarke knew immediately that they weren´t buying her story. She turned to Bellamy, seeking help. 

Abby´s face was lined through worry. "Clarke, be honest! Would you commit su...?"  
She couldn´t finish the sentence. Clarke jumped angrily to her feet, holding the towel in place with her healthy hand. "What? Would I commit suicide???", she yelled. "You must be kidding! If I want to kill myself, I wouldn´t smash a mirror. I know better ways, faster ways and you couldn´t save me." 

Abby and Bellamy looked at each other, totally perplexed. Both knew that she was telling the truth. If Clarke really wanted to kill herself, they had no chance to stop it. 

"And why should I do that? I will die in six months anyway!" Clarke gave her mother a dirty look before she stormed out of the little room, slamming the door behind her. She was really pissed off.

Tears welled in Abby´s eyes. She breathed hard and glanced sadly at Bellamy. "I´m very worried. It was too much for Clarke. I can´t get close to her."  
Bellamy nodded to her understandingly. "I take care of her. Right now she is confused and upset. Arkadia isn´t her favorite place. She always had to be strong; not only for herself, for everyone. But she is still an 18 years old girl. It was simply a question of time." He walked over to Abby and touched her shoulder. "We will make it."

Abby nodded and Bellamy left the room. She looked after him. Probably, he knew best how her daughter felt at the moment. It was good to know, that Clarke wasn´t alone, that she had someone around her who really cared and was willing to do everything to protect her. What more could a mother wish for?"


	3. There is always darkness before the dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Extract:
> 
> [...] They walked all the way without speaking. When they finally arrived, Bellamy held the door open for her. "There we are."  
> She slipped in and scanned the room. His quarter looked the same as hers. Just the Ark, practicable but not really many-sided. She heard the door shut behind her and turned to him. He was still standing at the door, watching her carefully from the other side of the room. She felt his eyes on her body, feeling immediately warm all over, biting her lower lip.
> 
> "What are we going to do now?", Clarke asked a bit breathless. [...]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Hell is empty. All the devils are here."
> 
> (William Shakespeare)

[...]

All Clarke wanted was being far away from her mother. She wandered around aimlessly and finally lost her way. Bellamy didn´t need a long time to find her. She barely knew the camp and so she didn´t come very far.  
Clarke was standing there like an innocent baby girl, eyes turned to her feet, barefoot and half-naked, only clothed with a towel. She looked fragile and unlike herself.  
The bare body sites were covered with bruises, scars and dried blood. She seemed lost and Bellamy´s heart broke immediately. He´d never seen her like this before. Deep inside he wished, he would have been able to preserve her from all danger, to protect her against pain, self-doubts, losses, grief, everything.

Bellamy´s eyes turned to the bandage on her right hand. He felt still sick and was scared stiff. Slowly, he walked over to Clarke and stopped right before her, keeping only a short distance. 

"Are you going to stop placing yourself in danger and terrifying me eventually?", he asked with a soft voice. 

"I just want to make sure that you don´t feel bored." She glanced up, grinning roguishly.

He couldn´t suppress a smile. "To be honest, I can´t remember what boredom actually means." He´d missed her smile but he also knew that she was acting as if nothing had happened, that she was still trying to be strong.

"So, it´s not that the towel doesn´t suit you but ... maybe you should change into other clothes.", he smirked, watching her from top to bottom.

Suddenly Clarke became aware to the fact that she was half-naked and Bellamy could see ------ No, she didn´t want to think about that. Currently she felt nervous and turned her eyes to her feet. Her cheeks flushed red. She wondered at herself. Up to know she´d never been shy. Something had changed.

"I can´t go back to my room. Abby, I guess she is still there.", Clarke mumbled.

Bellamy took hold of her under the chin so that she raised her head. She looked straight into his eyes. He glanced at her with a warm and gentle smile. "Okay, then my room.", Bellamy proposed, pointing the way with his head. "Let´s go!"

Clarke nodded silently, feeling a tingle in her stomach. 

They walked all the way without speaking. When they finally arrived, Bellamy held the door open for her. "There we are."  
She slipped in and scanned the room. His quarter looked the same as hers. Just the Ark, practicable but not really many-sided. She heard the door shut behind her and turned to him. He was still standing at the door, watching her carefully from the other side of the room. She felt his eyes on her body, feeling immediately warm all over, biting her lower lip.

"What are we going to do now?", Clarke asked a bit breathless.

When he came closer her heart started racing. She stared deep into his eyes to figure out, what he was up to. Bellamy stopped just a few inches before her. Clarke could feel his hot breath brushing her skin what caused a single shiver. She could swear her heart stopped beating instantly.

"I would say we´ll clean you up at first .... and then ... we´ll dress you.", he said slowly with a deep voice, looking daggers at her.

"WE?", she swallowed hard. 

A smile played on his lips. "Your hand is wrapped. We don´t want that the bandage is going to get wet. Do we?" He raised an eyebrow. "So... I guess, it´s on me to clean you up." His glance wandered from her face to something on the other side of the room. Clarke followed his line of sight to one of the beds. "Sit down!", he ordered.  
She complied his orders speechless and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"That was easy.", he smirked. Clarke raised her eyebrows for questioning expression. "Clarke Griffin is taking orders. That´s a red-letter day!", he smiled from ear to ear and disappeared in the bathroom. She couldn´t help but laugh. It was nice that he didn´t lose his sense of humor after all what happened.

Only a few minutes later Bellamy came back with a bowl filled with warm water, a cloth and a fresh towel. He knelt before her feet and dipped the cloth into the water. While wringing out the damp cloth, his upper arm muscles tensed up and relaxed in turns. Clarke caught herself gazing at the muscle flexing and his strong brachial vein, highly impressed. There was a light traction inside her belly. 

Bellamy started with her right shank, running carefully over her lower leg. He was gentle and attentive. The water was warm. When his fingers touched her skin lightly a shiver ran through her, making her flesh crawl. She pulled her leg back. 

Bellamy looked at her with surprise. "Did I hurt you?"

Blushing from embarrassment, she wondered why she was acting like a baby. "No! I ... Go on!"

He raised his eyebrows but instead of saying anything he just nodded and continued rubbing her leg clean. This time Clarke knew what to expect. She swallowed and held her breath. After a while she could feel herself relaxing. It felt great -his fingers on her skin. His hands were rough but they ran tenderly over her body. Yeah, it felt great. 

Bellamy turned towards her right arm now, raising him to clean the inner side. Even there was blood.  
The whole time Clarke kept a wary eye on him. He was concentrated. There was always a small wrinkle on his forehead when he was focused. His eyes were as dark as the night. She hadn´t noticed that yet. But they were also bloodshot. It seemed like he didn´t get much sleep lately.  
All over his face he was covered with freckles. Bellamy was so close to her that she would´ve been able to count them. Unfortunately there were also many scars, cuts and bruises. He was battle-scarred.  
Her glance wandered down to his throat. The strangulation marks were still there, only the color had changed from deep black to purple and green. The bruises began to heal but it would take some time till they were completely gone. She heaved a weary sigh.

Bellamy turned his face to her. "You´re OK?"

"You´re always asking me if I´m OK. What about you?", Clarke looked sadly at him. Her finger tips ran tenderly over his neck. She´d almost forgotten that she was sitting in front of him only dressed with a towel.  
Bellamy swallowed hard and looked down, while wringing out the cloth once again. The water had already turned red. "I will get over it, like I always do." He raised his head and their eyes met again. "Don´t change the subject, Clarke. You still need to tell me how your hand ended up wrapped in bandages."

Meanwhile all bare places on her body were cleaned except her face. He rubbed the cloth over her forehead, just staring at his fingers and the bloody spots.  
Bellamy´s face was so close to hers now. She held her breath while her glance wandered from his eyes to his mouth and rested on his lips. Nervously her tongue darted out. She closed her eyes. Her heart pounded as if it would burst through her chest. She didn´t know where that feeling was coming from, but she wanted him to kiss her. An unspoken wish on her lips: "Kiss me!" But he didn´t.  
When she opened her eyes again, he was gone, leaving her with an uneasy feeling in her chest. Clarke gasped for air. What was he doing with her? She shook her head, trying to clear her mind. "We´re just friends.", she reminded herself.

 

Bellamy was in the bath room to pour the dirty water away. He came back with clean clothes: trousers, T-shirt, socks and panties. "I´m sure they are oversized but that ought to do for now.", he said and placed the garments next to her on the bed. "I´ll wait outside. Let me know when you´ve dressed.", he was just going when she grasped his arm. "Bellamy, you don´t have to. It should do when you look away."

He nodded and turned to the wall, giving her some privacy. There was a dead silence. He could hear his own heartbeat and the towel dropping to the floor. Bellamy breathed heavily. Clarke was naked and right beside him. He swallowed hard, shot his eyes and put his head back. "Dammit Blake, get your shit together!", he warned himself, trying to get the picture of her naked body out of his mind. 

"Do you have a belt for me? Your trousers is definitely too large.", she broke the silence.

"Um, yeah, of course. Wait!" He reached for one of his belts inside the wardrobe and handed him to her, covering his eyes with his spare hand.

"You can turn around. I´m done"

When Bellamy turned back to her, he held his breath. She wasn´t done yet. Clarke was standing in front of him dressed with nothing more than his underwear and his shirt, her legs still undressed. He swallowed. His underwear. Bellamy´s glance wandered over her body. He bit his lower lip. She looked good in his clothes.  
Without the towel he could see her entire legs, slim and well-conditioned. The oversized T-shirt was knotted slightly above her hip. His eyes wandered upwards and rested on her breasts. Through the bit worn out and slightly transparent fabric he caught sight of their silhouettes and her sticky-out nipples. Bellamy breathed hard. She was so hot. His tongue darted out to moisten his lips.  
The whole time Clarke was engaged with the belt and his trousers. It wasn´t that easy one-handed. So she hadn´t noticed yet how much he wanted her. He´d already repressed his feelings when he was cleaning her body. But now he was carried away by his own emotions. He could feel his erection swelling. "Um, I´m in the bath. I´ll be right back.", he gasped.

Clarke just nodded without looking up.

Bellamy stood in front of the sink, arms based on the wash basin, looking at himself in the mirror: blushed cheeks, dilated pupils and his eyes turned even darker. He clenched his fists in trying to calm down.  
Bellamy didn´t know how much time he spent in the little bath room when Clarke knocked at the door. "Bellamy? You´re okay?"

He shot his eyes. "Coming!" Bellamy heaved a heavy sigh and turned on the faucet to splash cold water on his face. After he had toweled himself dry he glanced at himself in the mirror once again. He´d cooled off.

 

Clarke was sitting at the table. "I´m hungry!", she smiled at him. She seemed to feel better. That was good. In the meantime she wore his trousers. The pant legs were rolled up and she was wrapped in a blanket. What luck!

"Let´s see, what I have.... Mh, there is an apple... and some cracker. That´s not a lot but -" 

"That will do. ", she cut him short.

"I can still provide more food.", he offered.

"Bellamy, I don´t need more food... and I don´t wanna go out ... I want you to stay here." She looked deep into his eyes. "I mean ... it´s your room. ... So, can I stay with you???", she asked him softly.

"Sure! What ever you want." He knew there was actually nothing he wouldn´t do for her.

Clarke gave him a slight and shy smile in response. There was a warm feeling inside his stomach. He loved her smile.

________________________________________

 

Soon after, they were sitting face to face on the beds with their backs leaned against the wall. They spent the next 2 hours with Bellamy updating Clarke about all she´d missed while she´d been unconscious. Clarke was surprised that she´d been out for two days.  
In the meantime everyone knew about the nuclear threat. There was a lot of excitement in the beginning but Kane and Abby were actually able to encourage everyone that they will figure something out. For the moment the dust had settled. Maybe it was just the calm before the storm.  
Clarke wasn´t surprised to hear that there were no specific plans yet. They were still trying to find out how many reactors there are, where they are and how to destroy them. 

After a while she´d heard enough of that. "What about Octavia? You didn´t talk about her yet."

Bellamy´s facial expression changed immediately. He became silent and stared at his hands. Clarke felt that she touched a sore spot and her heart sank.

"She´s gone... She left the camp with Indra." His voice cracked. "I have no idea where she is right now or how she is doing. I had to let her go. She wouldn´t have find peace here. Not at the place where Lincoln died.", he said in a tearful voice.

Bellamy felt a movement beside him. Clarke climbed on the bed to sit back next to him, shoulder to shoulder. She grabbed his hand and squeezed it hard.  
That little act of caring was all that was needed to break through his walls and he finally opened up. Tears welled in his eyes and he poured out his heart to her. "I miss her, Clarke. I miss her. I´ve lost her. She left me. People always leave me." 

She could almost feel his pain as well as her own and her heart was bleeding. "Bellamy, I´m so sorry. I know how much she means to you. Sometimes people leave, but sometimes they come back. And Octavia will come back. She´s your sister and she loves you.", she tried to comfort him.

He looked up and stared deep into her eyes, their hands still closely intertwined. "You left me too!" His voice was just a whisper.

"And I came back!", Clarke replied softly. His words had pierced her heart but this time she didn´t look away.  
There was so much he would like to say but he just nodded in response. He stroked lightly over the bandage on her injured hand. "So, tell me!"

A deep sigh slipped out of her throat. She leaned her head on his shoulder and stared into the space. "I guess, I just didn´t like what I saw.", Clarke answered with a scarcely audible voice.

Bellamy leaned his head against hers. "When you look into the mirror what do you see?", he asked.

"Not me! ... Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.", she replied 

"I suppose we all thought that, one way or another! ... The good old Oppenheimer." Bellamy knew exactly how she felt.

They were quiet for a while and lost in thoughts. 

"Forgiveness is hard for us. But maybe we´ll get that someday.", Bellamy said, echoing Clarke. 

"Sounds familiar!", she responded. 

Clarke was broken like the mirror she had smashed a few hours before. Sometimes she thought that she is never going to heal. But with him she could feel herself getting better. It was like he was picking up the broken pieces of her and putting her back together.  
Bellamy asked himself how many demons would dance with him in that night. He had to live with them now. He suffered and that was good. He owed that to them.

 

Meanwhile the night had come and it was dark outside. Bellamy had no idea how long they were sitting side by side in the dimly lit room, her head on his shoulder, his head on hers, holding hands without speaking. There was a sense of peace and calm that settled all around them.  
Anytime Clarke fell asleep. Bellamy placed a soft kiss on the top of her head and climbed carefully out of the bed, trying not to wake her up. He put Clarke down on his bed and covered her with a blanket, then knelt bedside her bed and stroked her hair slightly. She was the most beautiful girl he´d ever seen both on the ground and in the sky. Clarke seemed so young, so innocent and so frail when she was asleep. But it was only a delusion. He saw the darkness in her beauty. Her life was anything but innocent. She wasn´t innocent. Nobody was, especially not him. 

He climbed into the bed on the other side and stared into the darkness. It was another night Bellamy couldn´t sleep. His demons kept him awake. They danced inside his head and screamed "MURDERER". But the sound of Clarke´s steady breathing reminded him that he wasn´t alone anymore. She was at his side. Bellamy didn´t know why Clarke always saw the beauty in his darkness, but he loved her for the way she danced with his demons. Clarke was the light in his darkness and the voices inside his head became slightly less noisy.

"There is always darkness before the dawn."


	4. Heal me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Extract
> 
> "But right now she was at his side and definitely real. They both held each other when they were caught in their dreams and they often woke up in one another´s arms, soaked in sweat. Bellamy knew the sound of her screams and Clarke knew the sound of his. Only in one another´s arms they could be weak and vulnerable, could release their fears and guilt. He held her tight in his arms and she held him. They helped and needed each other. Night after night they became more familiar."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "A friend is one that knows you as you are,  
> understands where you have been,  
> accepts what you have become,  
> and still, gently allows you to grow."
> 
> (William Shakespeare)

Clarke had moved into Bellamy´s apartment. It just happened. At the beginning, she came every night into his room when she woke up terrified from disturbing nightmares, unable to fall back to sleep. She was frightened and scared and couldn´t be alone. At his side Clarke felt safe.  
By and by Raven was sick of those ongoing nighttime disturbances. "You walk over to him every night. Why don´t you even stay over at his place? Some people need to get some sleep.", Raven murmured when Clarke was having a nightmare and heading out of their room once again.  
The next day Clarke stood with all her stuff at his door. Bellamy just grinned at her with a wide grin. Anyway, it was like they were already living together. 

Both Clarke and Bellamy feared the night. Not only Clarke was harassed by nightmares, also Bellamy was haunted by them.  
When Clarke had left the camp after Mount Weather, Bellamy had stayed awake for several nights, just lying on his bed without undressing, staring in the darkness, trying not to face his nightmares. During the day he had been followed by the dead and he couldn´t release his guilty feelings.  
He had just fallen asleep when his body was weakened by chronic insomnia and needed to regenerate. But the sleep had never been restful.  
In his dreams they were all there, every single one who was killed by his own hand or who died because of his actions, every person he couldn´t save. At the beginning there were only a small number, but now it seemed to be thousands.  
Sometimes he ran away. Another time he faced them to pay for his actions. But there was no escape. He was cornered and on his knees when the constant and evenly calling came closer. "Murderer! Murderer! Murderer!" Bellamy squeezed his eyes shut, begging himself to wake up. He didn´t.  
But the worst nightmares were about Clarke. They dealt with his biggest fear - losing her.  
Sometimes they were back at the gates of Camp Jaha, shortly after they had returned from the mountain. One more time he begged her to come in. But Bellamy had to let her go once more. He could feel her warm and soft lips on his cheek, he held her small body in his arms while her words pulled the rug out from under his feed: "May we meet again!". And again, she disappeared between the trees, abandoning him.  
Another time, he found himself in the cave where Clarke was held captive by Roan. He looked straight into her wonderful blue eyes, while stroking her hair out of her face and tucking it behind her ear. For one short moment his heart was filled with joy. Moments later, he was lying on the cold stone floor, Roan kneeling over him, Clarke begging for his life, feeling a stepping pain in his leg, while the darkness rose above him. When he came to himself, she was gone. Bellamy fought his way through the woods, seized with panic and pain. His leg hurt like hell and he didn´t come this far. Bellamy´s heart ached. He couldn´t lose her.  
When he finally woke up from dreaming, he always gasped for air. The emptiness in his heart pressed hard against his chest and he couldn´t breathe. His nightmares haunted him even when he was awake. They always felt so real. Clarke felt real. She was within his reach but still far away from him. He didn´t know if he could bear the pain much longer. Losing Clarke again and again, it broke and weakened him. Every time, he cursed himself for falling asleep. 

But right now she was at his side and definitely real. They both held each other when they were caught in their dreams and they often woke up in one another´s arms, soaked in sweat. Bellamy knew the sound of her screams and Clarke knew the sound of his. Only in one another´s arms they could be weak and vulnerable, could release their fears and guilt. He held her tight in his arms and she held him. They helped and needed each other. Night after night they became more familiar.  
Their nightmares weren´t less threatening now, but both knew they weren´t alone and they would fight their demons and get through it together. With that knowledge both Bellamy and Clarke no longer had to fear the night. And the darkness wasn´t that dark anymore. 

\-----

Meanwhile, there was a certain daily routine. Everyone had a job to do. It was about the big picture.  
They had send out scouts, composed of Grounders and Arkadians, to inform the twelve clans and Luna, explore the terrain and find the power plants. It was such a huge area, but they needed to start somewhere.  
Since more than two weeks, Miller, Brian, Murphy and Emori were on the road as scouts too. They should be back in a few days to refresh stores, hopefully bringing good news. Sometimes Bellamy caught himself feeling sorry for Brian and Nathan. Maybe they would never get their house on the lake.  
Monty and Raven tried to localize the nuclear power plants with the help of Jaha, his knowledge and information to prepare samples with complicated formulas and equations plus probability calculations based on known values and new received data. Bellamy had absolutely no idea what they were talking about. Raven and Monty tried to explain it to him, but it was definitely above his head. He was a pragmatic person and not a theorist.  
Some reactors in the proximity were already traced, and for him, that was the only thing that counted.  
In the intervening time, Jasper used his chemistry skills to find a way to destroy and shut down the power plants. The work with other chemists and physicists helped him to go back to normal and to distract himself from his pain and grief.  
He was so bound up in his work and specific chemical reactions that he jumped up abruptly and rushed off, leaving everything behind wherever and whenever he had a new idea. It didn´t matter whether he was in a conversation, at dinner or it was in the middle of the night. It was kind of weird, but everyone was just glad he found a way to move on.

The rest of the Arkadians tried to keep up the everyday life in the camp, cultivating fields, making clothes, preparing food parcels for the scouts and so on. For now, everybody was engaged and not sitting around doing nothing, so that they hadn´t much time to think about their unpleasant situation.  
It was a frantic effort to go on as normally as possible, despite a vague future. Hope was the only thing keeping everyone alive. Even if it appeared to have no prospect of success.

Bellamy´s days always started with sitting together with Kane and Abby, talking about their strategies and next steps. Days flew past and they were running out of time. The first month had already passed so that they had just five months left. Over time the tension was rising and the talks didn´t become more constructive under pressure.  
After that Bellamy spent the rest of each day with coordinating tasks and forces. Harper supported him.  
He´d also heard from Octavia. She was on Luna´s oil rig now and felt a little bit better. At least, it was a start. 

And Clarke? She was just Clarke. Whenever Bellamy woke up in the morning, she´d already left the Camp. At the beginning, he got worried but later he became used to it. She couldn´t abide staying in Arkadia for a longer time. Every morning Clarke slipped out of their room with the first rays of dawn, not returning before the sunset.  
At first, she was just wandering through the woods, collecting herbs and hunting. It helped her to zone out and stop thinking too much.  
Bellamy had no idea what Clarke was doing outside these days. Anyway, she hadn´t brought herbs or quarry in a long time. He´d asked Clarke if he could join her, but she wanted to be alone and he had to accept that. So long as she would come back to him every single night, he was happy.  
As a result, Bellamy and Clarke rarely saw each other during the day. They only spent the nights together, sleeping most of the time. But if they weren´t asleep they were talking, about their fears, their pain, about everything. There were no secrets between the two of them, except what Clarke was doing in the daytime. Bellamy had given up asking her. She would tell him, some day.

Every evening the camp residents were sitting around the campfire, singing songs and telling stories, like there were no worries; as if the human race wouldn´t be on the edge of disaster once again. They seemed happy, if only for one short moment a day.  
Maybe, Monty´s moonshine was a factor. He was a very busy man and his brain ran at full speed, but he still found the time to distill.  
While everybody was engrossed in conversations, Bellamy´s gaze always wandered along the edge of the woods, looking for the petite girl with the long blonde hair. He watched out for Clarke.  
When she finally stepped out of the shadow into the moonlight, he felt how his muscles relaxed, how he started breathing normally. He felt his tension ease, which had built up during the day. A small smile played around his lips. She had become his life and she would kill him some day. 

Clarke never took a seat by the fire. She always went straight into her quarter. Her friends missed her, but she had withdrawn from everything and everyone. Bellamy was the only person allowed to come near her.  
Actually, everybody had expected that Clarke would take over control to find a way out of their unpleasant situation. They had demanded far too much from her. She´d realized very fast that there was nothing she could do, she had no idea how to stop it.  
Clarke had wanted to head out with the scouting teams. It was a way to leave the camp. But she wasn´t allowed to go. It was forbidden by Abby, and Bellamy was glad about the maternal care. He didn´t want Clarke to leave.  
Surprisingly, she´d just nodded and accepted it without further discussions. Since then she wandered through the woods. She´d found another way to stay away from the Camp and its residents. But Clarke was allowed to let go. Everybody knew she´d suffered enough.

Bellamy had the feeling that they were wasting time, despite the fact that their time was running out. Up to now they´d achieved nothing and they were still at the beginning. Things weren´t moving fast enough for him. It seemed hopeless.  
Sometimes he caught himself wondering why they were still fighting, when they could do something else. Then he had to remind himself that it wasn´t time to give up. They couldn´t bury their head in the sand just because things were getting difficult.  
There was always something to fight for, no matter how hopeless it seemed. Bellamy knew exactly what he was fighting for - he wanted his sister and Clarke to live. 

______________________________________

It was the third night after moving into Bellamy´s place, when Clarke told him about Lexa. He hadn´t asked her yet cause he didn´t want to pressure her.  
The light was already turned off. Clarke was lying silently on her bed, staring into the darkness, breathing hard and unsteady. He knew she was still awake. Bellamy couldn´t see her, but he heard her heavy breathing. 

"What´s eating you?", he whispered into the dark. She sighed deeply but didn´t answer. "You can talk to me about anything and whenever you feel like it. You know? I´m here for you.", he continued. 

His words cut deep into her heart. "Lexa.", she replied in a low and husky voice. "I thought about Lexa. She was there. You know? I´ve met her in the City of Light." Clarke paused, trying her best to held back the tears that were already welling in her eyes. "Suddenly, she was there, out of nowhere. I thought I would never see her again." She sniveled, barely able to form the words.

Bellamy felt a lump in his throat. He had never liked Lexa. She´d left them in Mount Weather to die and had forced them to kill everyone who helped them. Bellamy knew that Lexa was special to Clarke, but hearing her talk about the dead Commander, mourn and cry for the person, who had betrayed them, affected him more than he´d expected. He instantly felt bad.  
But there was something more, a feeling he couldn´t deny - jealousy. Therefore he was mad at himself. But he needed to accept that Clarke had deep feelings for Lexa. He would probably never understand it, but Lexa was a part of Clarke now, and Clarke meant everything to him.  
"I´m so sorry, Clarke!" His voice was low and soft. He felt really bad about it. Bellamy would do anything for her. He would turn the world upside down to make her smile again; he would´ve sacrificed his own happiness so Clarke could be happy, even if it would have been with Lexa.  
Clarke sighed heavily, and the sound of her sadness made Bellamy´s heart bleed. "Come here!", he whispered.

The words were barely out of his mouth when she crawled under his blanket, nestling her head on his shoulder. He wrapped one arm around her, drawing her closer to him. Once his grip tightened around her body, Clarke gave in to her emotions. She climbed on top of him, covered him with her body, wrapped her arms around his chest and sobbed loudly into the hollow of his neck and shoulder, weeping long bitter tears into his shirt.  
He held her trembling body against his heart, stroking her back, pressing his lips lightly against her temple.  
She calmed, his warmth and presence lulling her into comfort she didn´t want to leave. His caress brought peace to her restless soul and she fell asleep in his arms. Shortly after Bellamy had fallen asleep too.  
When he woke up the next morning, she was gone. After that, they never brought up that night again.

________________________________________

It didn´t take a long time and Bellamy was able to sleep again. His demons weren´t gone, they would never be. But with Clarke at his side they were under control. The nights became easier for Clarke, too. Her nightmares began to lessen. They found strength in each other, they functioned better when they were together.

One night, Bellamy was already almost asleep when Clarke whispered in the darkness, "Bellamy? Are you awake?".

"No!", he murmured. "What´s up?"

"I´m sorry if I woke you up. Go back to sleep. Don´t mind me.", she apologized.

Bellamy exhaled loudly. "I´m awake now. So, what´s on your mind?" 

Clarke took a deep breath. "Tell me about Gina."

Suddenly he was wide awake, staring wide eyed into the dark room. His heart beat faster. GINA! He´d tried so hard to get her out of his mind. Bellamy didn´t want to forget her, but he felt automatically guilty, whenever she entered his mind. Sometimes Gina appeared in his dreams. Then she stepped out of the mass of people, her body totally burned. When she stopped in front of him, he could smell her charred skin and singed hair. "You left me behind! You never loved me! You killed me!" Her voice was full of pain and her words pierced into Bellamy´s heart like sharp stakes.  
His subconscious played cruel games with him. Everyone reassured and encouraged him that Gina´s death wasn´t his fault, that he´d made a reasonable decision in that situation. Maybe they were right, but he couldn´t stop feeling guilty. GINA! Suddenly all his repressed memories were back. He remembered everything, her brown and wavy hair, eyes like a deer, her gentle and lovely face, her charmingness and the feeling of her fingers running through his hair. She had been real.  
And Raven had been right. He hadn´t deserved Gina. She had deserved better than him. Gina had been so pure, so kind, she had loved him. But his heart had been somewhere else. If he wouldn´t have been intent on running after Clarke, he could have saved Gina probably. She had been his girlfriend and he ought to have taken better care of her. But he´d told her to stay in that mountain and she had died. He´d killed her.  
Bellamy balled his fists at his sides and tried to calm himself. All his memories were back, the good ones and the bad ones, and with them all the pain. Bellamy didn´t want to talk with Clarke about Gina. It felt as if he would betray her.

"There´s nothing to talk about.", he said and his words were tinged with sadness. 

Bellamy sighed deeply, and Clarke felt that no sigh of his had ever touched her heart like this before. She couldn´t leave it at that.  
"Raven told me about her. She meant a lot to you, so she must have been awfully nice." Clarke paused, waiting for his reaction but there was no response. "She was there for you when I wasn´t.", she continued. Her voice was shaking and her eyes filled with tears. "I can´t thank her enough for being there for you. I´m forever grateful to her. I wish I could have met her." Her last words were barely audible.

Bellamy didn´t know what to say. It hurt like hell. Gina had been something special. She had been someone he could lean on and she had strengthened him when Clarke wasn´t there. But even Gina hadn´t been able to fill the void in his chest, Clarke had left when she abandoned him after Mount Weather. Tears welled up in his eyes and spilled down his cheeks. He was glad that it was dark so Clarke couldn´t see him. 

Clarke felt that he was pushing her back. "I never should have mentioned her. I never wanted to hurt you. I´m s.... "

Bellamy cut her off. "I really needed you. I was alone and Gina was there. Good night, Clarke!" There was a bitter tone in his husky voice.

Bellamy knew that he´d reacted sharply but he didn´t want to reopen his old wounds and think about how lonely he had felt after Clarke had left. Being there for all their friends when he was struggling with himself, had been hard. He had been so angry at her but that was the past now. Bellamy didn´t want to blame Clarke anymore.  
He turned to the wall and compressed his lips. Suddenly he was back at the gates of the camp again. "I think we deserve a drink. Have one for me. Hey. We´ll get through this. I´m not coming in...." Bellamy remembered every single word. He felt Clarke´s lips on his cheek, the emptiness gnawing inside his stomach and the heaviness in his heart. She´d left him and it was the worst feeling he´d ever felt. And now, he felt it all once again.

Clarke sensed that he was thinking about the time she wasn´t there. She´d opened old wounds and it broke her heart.  
Bellamy felt a movement beside him and moments later her small body nestling against his back. She wrapped one arm around him, pulling him closer, searching for his hand. Clarke needed him as much he needed her. When she finally found his hand, she intertwined her fingers with his.  
"Now I´m here.", she breathed against his back. Her voice was so low, it was nearly audible. 

Bellamy squeezed her hand hard to signalize that he was fine. Clarke was here and Gina was gone. He wished Clarke would have never left.

At the next morning, Clarke was gone once more. Bellamy hated waking up without her and day to day he hated it more. It felt as if everything was just a dream, as if Clarke wasn´t real. But she came back to him every night. 

 

Since that night, Clarke crawled every night into his bed, nestling against his strong and safe body. They just lay in one another´s arms, holding and comforting each other but never touching each other in a sexual or romantic way. They gave each other peace at an uncertain time and healed together.  
And that was enough for Bellamy. Maybe he wasn´t able to kiss her, but she was at his side and that was everything he wanted, everything he needed. He loved her with all his heart.

Night by night, Clarke became more aware of the fact that she didn´t return to the camp. Arkadia wasn´t her home. It never was and it would never be. Home wasn´t a place, it was a feeling. Her home was where her heart was. Every night she came back for Bellamy. He was her home. Bellamy knew her, he understood where she had been, he accepted what she had become and still, gently allowed her to grow. She loved him. He was her friend, her best friend.


	5. Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Extract:
> 
> [...] The whole forest was shrouded in darkness. Not even splinters of moonlight shone through the treetops. It was so dark she could barely see her hand in front of her face. Stones and roots made the trail even more challenging. When Clarke finally arrived at the edge of the forest, she stopped quite breathless and braced herself against the trunk of a tree, pink in the cheeks, eyes fixed on the camp, which was already in sight.  
> Clarke was panting very hard now, her breath coming in short, painful gasps, her lungs fighting for air. At the bottom of her breath, deep inside her lungs, she felt a gritty scraping. Her torso was a massive knot of pain and her legs were killing her, aching to rest, to stop running just for a minute.  
> The sun peeked over the horizon, the morning was already on its way. Only a few hundred meters separated her from Bellamy. Clarke gritted her teeth and took a deep breath. She had to pull herself together.  
> Before she reached the gates, Clarke caught sight of him. His lifeless body was lying on the cold ground. Immediately, her blood ran cold and her heart stopped beating. [...]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Time is very slow for those who wait,  
> very fast for those who are scared,  
> very long for those who lament  
> very short for those who celebrate  
> but for those who love, time is eternal."
> 
> (William Shakespeare)

The day started just like any other. Clarke had left the Camp early in the morning. Kane and Abby coordinated their further actions. Raven and Monty stayed up all night like every night before, looking for the key information that might save all their lives. All the others acted as they always did.  
Everyone pursued other activities. They were completely different people. But despite their differences they had one important thing in common. One thing crossed all their minds, even if anyone hardly spoke about it. "TIME." How much time remained before radiation would end life on earth? How could they get more of it? What should they do with the rest of their time? Everyone handled the subject of "time" differently, made use of it in another way and everyone´s sense of time was different.  
Some people were paralyzed with fear, terrified of what was coming. For those ones the days passed quickly and the time slipped through their fingers like sand.  
But there were also a couple of camp residents who used the end of the world as a reason to celebrate everyone and everything everyday. Their rest of the life was a single huge party. But it was kind of ironic. They celebrated life despite the fact that they had given up their own life.

The time didn´t move slower or faster. There were always 60 seconds in one minute, 60 minutes in one hour and 24 hours in one day. Only the sense of time changed. On some days it seemed like the time went excruciatingly slowly and on another day the time flew by so fast. But anyway, waiting for the big breakthrough was unnerving and grueling. All they had was hope. But hope faded from day to day.

Every now and then a glimmer of hope flickered to life inside the camp residents. It was one of those days. Some of the scouts should return to the camp, hopefully bringing good news. Bellamy tried to lower his expectations to avoid unnecessary disappointments. Expectations were the root of all heartache.

It was late in the afternoon when the scouting teams arrived, among them Miller, Brian, Murphy and Emory. They seemed exhausted and tired, but also relieved to be back at the Camp.  
Bellamy welcomed his friends with open arms and hugged them tight. He was glad to see them again and that they made it home safely, even Murphy.

"So, is there any news?", Bellamy asked with a questioning glance. He was tensed and felt an uneasiness welling up inside him. 

Brian nodded in response. "We located two more power plants, north of Mount Narrow*."

"Maybe our two masterminds, Raven and Monty, will be able to recognize patterns on the basis of locations and distances.", Miller added. 

Bellamy sighed in relief. "That´s good."

Emori shifted her weight nervously from one foot to the other. "I´m longing for a hot shower.", she groaned boredly, while looking needy at Murphy and pulling him closer. His eyes flashed to hers and he grinned roguishly. "I guess we´re done here.", he called out to the others without facing them, only having eyes for his girlfriend. The two left laughing. 

"I guess we´re done here too.", Miller said and Bellamy nodded an acknowledgement. His eyes followed Nat and Brian, when they walked away, arms around each other, seeming happy and familiar with one another. Instantly the image of a small, blonde girl flooded Bellamy´s thoughts and his heart skipped a beat. 

___

In the evening all the camp residents assembled around the common campfire, listening excitedly as the scouts talked about their stories, experiences and discoveries. Stories about the nature they had seen, about the people they had met.  
Bellamy stood slightly away from them, only listening with half an ear, being miles away. He thought of Clarke and missed her badly. His thoughts were interrupted by someone calling his name. He looked around, wondering where the voice was coming from. Miller beckoned him over. 

"We have some more good news.", Miller said, grasping Brian´s hand, smiling brightly at his boyfriend. All eyes were focused on the two men. "We are going to get married."

"You´re engaged?", Harper blurted out, really surprised. 

Brian and Miller nodded with a big smile on their faces. Harper jumped abruptly from her seat and flung her arms around their necks. "I love you. You´re the best. Finally some good news. You have no idea how much I needed this. I want to know everything. Who proposed? How did you propose? I´m so curious." The words sputtered out of her mouth, without taking a breath. Her voice nearly cracked.

"Hey, hey, you´re not the only one. It´s our turn now.", Jasper interrupted Harper and urged her aside. "Till death do you part, huh?", he joked and swept the boys into his arms. 

There was excitement all around as everyone congratulated Brian and Nathan on their engagement. They wanted to know every minute detail.  
Bellamy was a bit speechless. He didn´t expect this to happen, but he was glad about the pleasant news. The wedding would be a welcome change. 

When Murphy asked, why they both even wanted to marry each other, when the world was going to end anytime soon anyway, the euphoria faded quickly and the atmosphere changed immediately. For one brief moment, they had just forgotten that the human race was living on the razor´s edge and that they were running out of time. Facing the hard and cruel reality brought them back down to earth. All the negative and oppressive feelings were back. The camp residents stared sadly at Brian and Miller. But none of the two was worried or depressed. They smiled instead.

"There is no better moment than right now. If the world should end, I want to die wrapped up in the arms of my loving man.", Miller said in a soft voice, looking deep into Brian´s eyes. Then he turned to the crowd and glanced at each of them in turn. "I know you´re afraid. But how you choose to handle that fear is up to you. You can let it break you down or you can use it to make you stronger. We´re strong enough and we won´t let the fear win." His gaze wandered to Bellamy and he continued in a stronger, more confident voice: "I´m not afraid. Screw fear!"

Bellamy had once said something like that to encourage the 100 when the Dropship was attacked by a grounder army a few days after they had been sent to the ground. Miller was right. They were strong enough and they won´t let the fear win. Bellamy nodded slightly. "Screw fear!"

"Screw fear!", followed one after the other, repeated by the crowd in a loud murmur.

 

On that evening the mood was more cheerful than usual. The sky had cleared and the full moon was riding high in the starry night. At this time of the year the nights were already pretty cold. It was very late as the ranks around the campfire began rapidly to thin. Clarke wasn´t back yet. Bellamy stared into the darkness of the woods when Miller touched his shoulder. 

"So, there is nothing going on between you two, huh?", Miller asked roguishly. It was merely a rhetorical question. He had noticed that Bellamy was scanning the edge of the forest all the time, watching out for Clarke.  
Bellamy glanced at Miller out of the corner of his eye, then turned his head back to the woods, letting Miller´s remark pass without comment. He had nothing to say. There was silence as they both gazed into the distance for a while. 

"Thank you, Bellamy.", Miller broke the silence and Bellamy watched him questioningly. "Thank you, that we still have time to celebrate the life and the love, although we are running out of time."  
Bellamy nodded in understanding. Life was about more than just surviving.

"What would you say if I ask you to be my best man?", Miller asked.

Bellamy´s facial expression changed immediately. A smile flashed over his face. "You have never had a better idea.", he replied, grinning from ear to ear. Bellamy swept Miller into his arms and patted him on the shoulder. "I´m so happy for you." He really was.

Miller disappeared into the night shadows. Everyone was already gone and Bellamy stayed behind all alone. The campfire had burnt down to a heap of glowing embers and the heavy cold was almost unbearable. Bellamy was very worried. He glanced at his watch. It was already after midnight. Clarke had never been so late before. "Where on earth are you?", he mumbled softly to himself.  
It didn´t make sense to search for her. As long as it was dark he wouldn´t be able to find Clarke. Bellamy had no option but to wait. He zipped up his jacket and sat down on a tree trunk. His eyes scanned the woods edge several times.  
The wind got stronger and the cold ran through his veins. Bellamy´s bones were chilled and his whole body was shivering. It was too cold. He quickly rubbed his arms and torso, trying to create some friction to warm up his core vitals. His limbs grew heavy. "Dammit, Clarke! Come home.", he whispered through slightly blue trembling lips. A long time passed. Bellamy felt his lids begin to get heavy and tried to keep himself awake as his eyes began to close. "Stay awake. Stay ..."

___

Clarke woke up in the dead of the night. There was darkness all around her. Confused, she glanced around. Her heart was racing. She was still in the bunker. This place had become her safe haven. Clarke used to come here every day in trying to forget everything around her. But this time she had fallen asleep, thereby losing track of time. "Bellamy!" She jumped abruptly to her feet, grabbed her stuff and climbed out of the bunker. He will probably go nuts.  
Clarke started running as fast as she could. The bunker was located in the middle of the forest, a ninety minutes walk away from the camp. For that reason she always disappeared early in the morning and returned not until late in the evening.  
Clarke had no idea what time it was, but she expected she wouldn´t be back at the Camp until dawn. All she could think about was Bellamy. Her heart beat wildly in her chest, a wave of fear surged through her veins. She shuddered at the thought of him believing that she´d left him once again. Her heart sank instantly. Clarke kept running as fast as her legs could carry her. She panted but she couldn´t stop. 

The whole forest was shrouded in darkness. Not even splinters of moonlight shone through the treetops. It was so dark she could barely see her hand in front of her face. Stones and roots made the trail even more challenging. When Clarke finally arrived at the edge of the forest, she stopped quite breathless and braced herself against the trunk of a tree, pink in the cheeks, eyes fixed on the camp, which was already in sight.  
Clarke was panting very hard now, her breath coming in short, painful gasps, her lungs fighting for air. At the bottom of her breath, deep inside her lungs, she felt a gritty scraping. Her torso was a massive knot of pain and her legs were killing her, aching to rest, to stop running just for a minute.  
The sun peeked over the horizon, the morning was already on its way. Only a few hundred meters separated her from Bellamy. Clarke gritted her teeth and took a deep breath. She had to pull herself together.  
Before she reached the gates, Clarke caught sight of him. His lifeless body was lying on the cold ground. Immediately, her blood ran cold and her heart stopped beating. "You Idiot, don´t tell me you spent the whole night in the cold?!", she thought, shaking her head.

After beating ALIE, the guards weren´t needed at the gates anymore. There was still no peace between the Grounders and the Sky People. Just because they weren´t fighting right now, didn´t mean automatically that they would live together in harmony and peace. Peace wasn´t guaranteed.  
For now everyone was merely unable to cope with the situation. The new threat was much bigger than themselves, than everything they had faced before. Whether they liked it or not, they had to ally with one another and work together, avoiding inconveniences, quarrels and hostilities. Everyone needed to play their part. It worked surprisingly well. Clarke was glad, one worry less, at least for the moment. But now she cursed the unguarded gates. 

Clarke climbed through a small gap between the metal frames of the gate and rushed up to Bellamy, screaming his name. No Reaction. She fell to her knees beside him and stroked his cheek. He was too cold, his skin too pale, his lips too blue. Panic crashed through her already terrified mind. "Bellamy!!!" Her voice cracked.  
Frantically, she called his name over and over, grabbing him, shaking him, trying to wake him up. But he didn´t.  
Clarke listened to his breathing. Nothing. She laid shaky fingers on the side of his neck to feel for a pulse, but her own heart beat heavy beneath her chest, vibrating through her body, filling her ears with a steady loud thumping. Clarke shivered, unable to concentrate. "Get a trip!", she warned herself, took a deep breath and tried to take his pulse again.  
She felt his heartbeat tapping against her fingertips. His pulse was weak, but there. "Oh, thank God! You´re alive.", she sighed in relief.  
His core temperature had dropped too low and he was in an advanced stage of hypothermia. Bellamy was still alive but in a critical condition. There was no time to lose. He needed medical attention, he needed Abby. But Clarke was too weak, too small to carry him to the medical station. Fear and despair were welling up inside her. She pulled off her jacket and covered him with it like a blanket. "I need to get help. Stay with me. Okay? Just stay with me. I´ll be right back."

She hurried through the shadowed camp. Her head was spinning. It was all her fault! He had stayed out all night in the freezing cold, just because of her.  
Abby and Kane met her halfway. They must have heard her scream. Clarke fell into her mother´s arms.

"Mom! Bellamy, he ... he needs help. He is hypothermic. We have to warm him up." Her voice was shrill and panicked to her own ears. 

Abby´s gaze wandered over Clarke´s shoulder to the lifeless body beside the fireplace. Kane´s face filled with horror as he stared at the boy on the ground, he considered as his own son.  
All the three rushed to Bellamy. After checking his vital signs, Kane crouched down and reached under Bellamy´s body, picked him up and slung him over his shoulder. Panting heavily, he carried him into the infirmary, closely followed by Clarke. She wouldn´t leave Bellamy´s side. 

Jackson joined them at the hospital. Things had been quite hectic. Fortunately, Bellamy didn´t get frostbite, but his body temperature had dropped dangerously low. Abby and Jackson tried everything to raise his temperature back to a normal level. They removed the cold clothes, replaced it with warm blankets and initiated active external rewarming with heat packs placed in the armpits, on the groin and on the abdomen. The rewarming was a very slow process and would take hours.

Kane was sitting in the corner, his face buried in his hands. There was also a foreign young woman, working with the doctors, Clarke had never seen before. She had introduced herself as Laura, the new trainee. But Clarke had hardly noticed her. She stood motionless, her back against the wall, staring at the lifeless body. A sob rose in her throat as she watched Bellamy lying there, petrified like a frozen statue. Clarke felt as if she could sense the coldness that he must be feeling right now. There was nothing she could do except wait.  
Blood pounded in her ears and she heard it rushing through her veins. Bitter tears ran down her cheeks. She couldn´t lose him. Clarke slid down the wall, pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, trying to hold herself together. Her whole body was shaking and her heart shattering into a thousand pieces. The world passed by in slow motion. 

"Clarke? Hey, Clarke?" A familiar voice cut through the blurriness inside her head. Abby knelt in front of her, patting her daughter´s arms. For a second Clarke looked confused, then she blinked and the questions in her eyes were gone.

"Clarke, Honey! Everything´s gonna be alright. His body temperature is raising, slow but steady. You have to stay strong. Go to him. We´ll check his signs every 30 minutes."

Abby, Kane, Jackson and Laura left the room and Clarke was alone with Bellamy now. She walked slowly over to him, feeling weak, as though someone had pulled the rug out from under her feet. His normally strong body looked small and fragile. The mere sight of him was unbearable.  
Clarke´s fingers ran through Bellamy´s hair in large, erratic circles. His face was pale and ashen, drained of all color. The scars had already faded, except the one above his upper lip. His skin was a ghostly white, his freckles like black ink on white paper. Even so, he was beautiful.  
Clarke leaned toward him and caressed his cheek with the back of her fingers. Bellamy was still cold. Tears rolled nonstop down her face. She shivered, feeling suddenly barely able to breath. Clarke leaned closer until her forehead rested against his. 

"Don´t leave me. - Stay with me. - I need you." 

Her bottom lip quivered as she spoke, her voice strangled with tears. She cupped his cheeks in her hands, her blue eyes wide open, watching him. Her face hovered over his, nose to nose, so close she could touch his lips with hers.

"I can´t lose you. You hear me? You can´t leave me. I´m not losing you, not you!" 

A cold shiver ran down her spine at the thought of a world without Bellamy Blake. Her stomach clenched and she felt panic welling up inside her, her pulse quickened, her heart raced inside her chest and her mind raged. It raged backward and forward, round and round. 

The memory of the day they´d first met flickered across her mind. He had been such an idiot. Soon after, she owed him her life. If it hadn´t been for him, she wouldn´t be here. He had saved her. When he was struggling with mercy killing Atom, he had shown his true face. Not everything he had done was right, but he was a good guy and always cared for his people. He hadn´t let her pull that lever in Mount Weather by herself so that she didn´t have to carry the burden alone. She was very grateful to him for that.  
Bellamy had fought alongside her in Polis. He was always there for her, helped her through her fears and nightmares, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, she didn´t even have to ask for it. Clarke could always trust him with her life.  
After what happened in Mount Weather she had left in the thought that she could handle it all herself, her life, her fears, her guilt. But she had been wrong. She needed Bellamy, she needed her friend in this chaotic world. Together they had defied all odds and the next threat was already imminent.

"I can´t do this without you, Bellamy. We can´t do this without you. We all need you. I need you." 

Her voice broke off under the weight of her emotions. No words in the world could describe how much she needed him, how much she cared for him. Clarke leaned forward, closing the remaining space between them, and pressed her lips hard against the corner of his mouth. Her lips felt like fire on his cold skin and she could taste the salt of her own tears. She pulled back, just a few inches, her hand cupping the side of his face. Her thump caressed the contours of his pale lips, her gaze followed her finger´s movement.  
Clarke felt a warmth welling up inside her. She already missed their nightly conversations, the sound of his deep, strong and masculine voice, even arguing with him. She missed the way he looked at her, it was so intense. She missed the way his fingers felt around hers. She longed to feel his powerful arms around her, holding her safely against his strong, hard body; to hear his steady heartbeat, calming her. She missed the way he made her feel, safe and home. She ached for him and she couldn´t imagine her life without him.

Clarke squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed hard. An unexpected longing rose up within her, catching her by surprise. A longing for his warmth, his strength, his support, his touch. She wanted to feel and taste his lips, she wanted his hands on her - all over her. A small moan escaped her. She licked her lips, then pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and bit down gently. And suddenly she realized that he had slowly stolen her heart, little by little, unnoticed.  
Her heart was closely linked to Bellamy´s. It beat a little faster whenever they were together. She missed him and felt incomplete when he wasn´t around. Bellamy had become an integral part of her life. He was her other half and he wouldn´t be able to leave her without destroying her. Bellamy was more than just her best friend, he was her advisor, her anchor, her balance, her home, her light in the dark. Clarke´s heart did not only beat for Bellamy - Bellamy was her heart and she knew that she couldn´t live without him. She was in love with him. 

It hit her completely unprepared. Her eyes widened in shock and her mouth opened. She pulled away from him and moved one foot behind her followed by the other, walking backwards until her back hit the wall behind her. Clarke shook her head, unbelieving. Her eyes wandered around the room, seeking help. She wasn´t allowed to have those feelings for him, to love him.  
Clarke´s hand shook as she stared down at them and her mouth opened to scream. But no sound escaped her throat. She was frozen in a silent scream. Her hands were soaked red with blood. Panic welled up inside her. She tried to breath but couldn´t. Her chest constricted, unable to inhale a breath, and her body trembled.  
Clarke squeezed her eyes shut and leaned her head back against the wall, her fists clenched at her sides. Suddenly, images of dead bodies flashed through her mind. Pictures of Finn and Lexa, stabbed, shot, soaked in their own blood.

"This isn´t real. It is just happening inside my head, just a delusion, not real.", she whispered, encouraging herself. 

Clarke felt this terrible pain and sadness welling up from deep inside her. Her heart was squeezing, crumbling inside her chest. Tears watered her eyes. She fought frantically against the unbearable pain that roared constantly through her body. But it was too much. She couldn´t bear it any longer. Her whole body was trembling and a desperate sob escaped her throat. Overcome with emotions, she collapsed to her knees, her face buried in her hands, crying. 

Her body had known it way before her mind. She was head over heels in love with Bellamy. All the repressed emotions flooded to the surface, literally tearing her apart. Clarke felt like her mind was spinning, exploding and falling at the same time.  
She was afraid to love and to be loved. It scared her, because love wasn´t just that overwhelming feeling of happiness and joy. Clarke connected love with fear, despair, pain, and grief and she was scared to death of being hurt again. She didn´t want to feel that way anymore, she couldn´t endure any more pain.  
Finn and Lexa had died in her arms. Maybe she hadn´t killed them, but they were dead because of her. She had lost everyone she loved, she shouldn´t have fallen in love with them and they shouldn´t have fallen in love with her - she was cursed, she was the ´Commander of Death`. And Clarke would lose Bellamy too. He was already lying half dead in a hospital bed. And why? Because of her. Clarke knew that she meant a lot to Bellamy. He had shown this in various ways; the way he looked at her, that he risked his life over and over again to save hers, that she had the power to hurt him. It couldn´t go on like this. His life was at stake and she was the curse of his life. Clarke couldn´t bear the thought of losing him. But she wouldn´t let that happen. 

Little by little she calmed down. There were no more tears to cry. Here eyes were red, her eyelids felt heavy and swollen, snot streamed clear from her nose. Clarke sniveled, wiping her nose on her hand. Her body felt pretty tired and her heart ached as she glanced over to Bellamy. She wasn´t allowed to love him, but she wanted nothing more than to lose herself in his strong arms, feeling free. How should she stay away from Bellamy, when every fiber of her being longed for him?!  
She pressed her hand over her heart, taking a deep breath. It didn´t matter what she wanted. She needed him to live, to be safe. Slowly, she walked over to him and grasped his hand, her fingers lightly caressing over his knuckles. 

"I won´t lose you, Bellamy!", she whispered. No matter what it cost her, she would protect him. This time she wouldn´t fail. "I won´t let anything happen to you." It was a promise, a promise to herself, because nothing would hurt more than losing him. 

The door flung open and Abby entered the room. Instantly Clarke let go of Bellamy´s hand and stepped back. "I need some fresh air.", Clarke said, turned and fled the infirmary, without looking at her mother. She feared, Abby could read in her eyes what her heart desired, against what her mind fought vehemently.

\---

A couple of hours passed by and Bellamy´s condition had hardly changed. The mood in the camp was gloomy. Joy of the upcoming wedding had turned into sorrow. Clarke was sitting at Bellamy´s side all day, waiting for him to recover and wake up. But he didn´t. His body temperature was raising and nearly a normal level, but obviously his body still needed time to rest. Waiting was the hard part. All Clarke could do was sit there, hold his hand and hope he would pull through. But the tension was almost unbearable. She listened to Bellamy´s soft breathing. It calmed her. Time passed slowly, maddeningly slowly.  
It was late in the evening when Kane literally kicked her out of the infirmary. 

"You need to rest. Get some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.", Kane said with sadness in his voice. 

Clarke opened her mouth to protest, but Kane´s sharp look cut her off. 

"We don´t need another unreasonable person. If anything changes, I´ll let you know." His tone permitted no contradiction.

Clarke snorted, but softened when she saw the worry in Kane´s eyes and the lines in his face. She sighed and nodded before reluctantly leaving the room.

\---

Clarke was lying on top of Bellamy´s bed for hours, still fully dressed, wide awake, gazing at the ceiling. She kept going over and over everything that happened over the last 24 hours, over the last months. Her thoughts were spinning round and round like laundry in a washing machine, keeping her awake, giving her no peace of mind.  
Clarke pulled his blanket over her body and snuggled within. The blanket smelt like fresh air, like wood and soap - like Bellamy. She had always felt safe in his bed. But it seemed too big now and the room felt so empty without him. Clarke wrapped herself deeper in his blanket. "Come back to me!", she breathed into the fabric.

Suddenly, she heard steps, and then several voices out in the hallway. Clarke reached over towards the alarm clock on the nightstand. It read three twenty-two. "What is going on there? It´s in the middle of the night.", Clarke wondered.  
She got out of bed and stepped out into the hallway, her head turned to look up and down it. The corridor was well lit and it seemed as if the whole camp was on its feet. Clare saw Raven out of the corner of her eye and hurried to her.

"Raven, what the hell is going on?"

"Hey, you look lousy.", Raven greeted Clarke. "Bellamy?", she asked, her voice softer now. 

Clarke nodded slightly and turned away, glancing left and right, avoiding eye contact. "So, what´s on?", she repeated, trying to act normal. She was too afraid her friend could read her face. 

Raven was watching Clarke with one eyebrow raised. "Meteor shower.", she replied briefly, then wrapped an arm around Clarke´s neck. "Let´s go! That will take your mind off --" She paused and continued after a second´s hesitation: "- whatever." Of course she knew it, but she would leave it at that. Clarke was glad she didn´t press her.

 

Many residents had assembled outside the Dropship, among them all their friends. Murphy stood behind Emori, his arms closed around her waist. Miller leaned against Brian, one arm wrapped around his shoulder. Monty and Harper were holding hands. Clarke felt a small twinge in her chest as she watched at the happy couples. She turned her head away. A single tear ran down her cheek.  
Jasper stood a few meters behind, hands clasped behind his back, goggles resting on top of his head. His hair had grown and he looked more like the boy from the first day on the ground - innocent, clueless, green and unworried. But the events of the past months had forever changed him. They had changed everyone. Raven joined Jasper and punched his side playfully.  
Everyone gazed into the night sky and dreamed upon the twinkling stars. Clarke stood slightly apart from the group, watching her friends for a while. Everyone was here, except Bellamy, Octavia and ----. Her heart ached. So many losses, so many deaths.  
She raised her head up to the sky. The night sky was clear, the deep blue almost a black and the stars shone bright over the cloudless firmament. Every now and then a shooting star drew a bright streak of light across the sky and vanished.  
Clarke let her gaze wander, taking in the sky, watching this natural spectacle in wonderment. It was highly impressive. There were moments she couldn´t believe they had fallen from the sky, and they had called this place their home once. She closed her eyes and made a wish.

"Can you wish on this shooting star?", a deep and familiar voice asked from behind her. 

Clarke sighed, a relieved smile appearing on her face. Bellamy. "I have wished you were here, so I can kick your ass.", she answered, trying her best to sound funny.

Clarke opened her eyes and turned to Bellamy. He stood slightly behind her, bathed in moonlight, wrapped in a blanket, staring at her. His lips were curled in a weak smile. He was still pale and seemed tired. The sight of him brought tears to her eyes and her body started to tremble. She tried to be strong, but her emotions overwhelmed her.  
Bellamy looked at her feelingly. He couldn´t bear to see her upset or in pain. Clarke blinked rapidly, not wanting him to see her cry. He opened his arms to her and Clarke fell into them, pressing herself hard against his chest. Bellamy wrapped his arms around her and covered them both with the blanket, holding her close. 

Clarke sobbed bitterly against his chest. "I thought you were dead.", she said between tears.

Bellamy pulled her closer, cupping his hand over the back of her head, rubbing her back gently with the other. "Hey, don´t worry. I´m like a cat - seven lives.", he whispered into her hair. 

Clarke lifted her head, pulling back enough to be able to look into his face. "No, Bellamy. After all you´re only human. You might have died. Don´t you dare do that again." There was sadness in her eyes. "Promise me!"

He held her gaze for a long time, then pursed his lips and nodded slowly. 

"Say it!", she insisted. 

He glanced down for a moment, then back up at her. "I promise!"

Clarke smiled faintly, but it didn´t reach her eyes. She dropped her head to his chest again, leaning into him. "I can´t lose you, Bellamy." 

Bellamy buried his face in her hair, breathing her in. "You won´t."

He had barely said the words, when he felt Clarke pulling away from him. Bellamy opened his arms and stepped back. Clarke wiped her tears away with the back of her hand. Her chest rose and fell heavily with each breath. Bellamy´s eyes scanned Clarke´s face but he couldn´t read her expression. 

"You´re okay?", he asked, confused.

"It´s getting late. I´m tired. Good night, Bellamy.", she answered in a cold tone, then turned away and stormed off, leaving him speechless. 

Clarke was angry at herself for not being able to stay away from him. But she had to be strong. Otherwise, she would lose him. Staying away from Bellamy would be the only way to save his life. But in her heart she knew it was not going to be easy.

Bellamy´s gaze followed Clarke, very confused. "Clarke!", he whispered her name. Had he done something wrong? 

"It´s not that easy with the Griffin-ladies, huh?", Kane asked, suddenly appearing next to him. 

Bellamy turned his head and looked at Kane over his shoulder, raising his eyebrows questioningly.

"Come on! First, you ran after Clarke despite a deep stab wound. You would have bled to death rather than let her go. And now, you have spent the whole night in the freezing cold to wait for Clarke and you almost froze to death."

Bellamy sighed deeply and looked away. He pressed his thumb and index finger to the bridge of his nose and clenched his jaw.

Kane continued in a soft and slow voice, "When it comes to Clarke --- you´re unreasonable and irrational.". 

Bellamy took a deep breath and put his head back. He closed his eyes for a short time and released the breath he was holding, then looked back to Kane.

"An unreasonableness like that doesn´t come from there." Kane pointed at Bellamy´s head. "... it comes from here!" He tapped his forefinger against Bellamy´s chest. "You´re obviously in love with her."

Bellamy didn´t speak, didn´t move, he just stood there watching Kane. Sadness was written all over his face.

"Does she know it?", Kane broke the silence.

Bellamy shook his head and responded quietly, "I don´t think so."

"You should tell her."

Bellamy breathed heavily and turned away, averting his eyes. His hands rested on his hips. He shook his head again. "No. I can´t." 

Kane nodded his understanding. After a second´s hesitation he continued, without reproach, "You have made doubtful decisions, beyond question. And people died because of those decisions. But you´re not a bad person, Bellamy. Sometimes you do bad things, we all do. Me too. You know what that makes us? - Human!". 

Tears watered Bellamy´s eyes. He lowered his head and covered his face with one hand.

Then after a moment of silence, Kane proceeded. "You deserve to love and to be loved. And son, we don´t know how much time we have left. We should live our lives to the fullest and love the people that we love as much as we can, while we can."

Bellamy glanced at Kane. He breathed a heavy sigh and a single tear ran down his cheek. Kane placed his hand on Bellamy´s shoulder. "In the end it´s not the years in your life that count. It´s the life in your years."

 

End of chapter 5!  
... to be continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (*) Mount Narrow: It´s a fictional place in a fictional world.
> 
> (*) Miller´s grand speech: Lines out of a deleted scene from season 1 episode 13 "We Are Grounders Part II"
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it.


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